Where would one begin, when they feel as if they are in midst of a never ending turbulent storm?
Where would one begin, while recognizing the depth of their inner struggle with their own limited strength and inner voice?
I suppose one would simply start from the beginning, in hope that while traveling back to the raw, intense depth of challenge, they may come to find meaning…and creativity.
So here I am.
Since my last post, I thought the sunny rays were pushing through the clouds. Since then, I’ve had my doubts that there is a sun.
Last Thursday as I lay in bed, ankle elevated, I participated in a very important appointment with a team of doctors, from departments I never knew existed.
So….the blessing is, that they discovered why our sweet little boy has been having bouts of pneumonia and has limited his food intake to rice krispies and rice milk.
Chaim Boruch has been swallowing all his saliva and food straight into his airway….and into his lungs.
Phrases like “worst case they have ever seen” and “Surgery for a GI feeding tube” pierced my entire being that was already wracked with worry, concern and my own weakened state.
Surrender. Trust. Surrender.
No easy task. Nothing I profess to be remotely good at.
The sun seemed to recede even more from view or existence, as the following day brought us, a very sick Chaim Boruch with a high fever and other symptoms of concern.
Emergency room visits which lead to being admitted to a room at a most incredible hospital called UCSF.
My husband. My son. And my Heart. All in one room. With much equipment including love, care and prayer.
Tests. IV. A symphony of doctors and nurses, orchestrating the millions of variables connected to my son.
It has been 5 long days without seeing either of them, while experiencing what I could only describe as a zip line of my heart.
The intense motion, speed and unknowing direction of the pangs of fear mixed with much emotion.
And I feel the sunshine recede even more.
Yesterday my little shliach was given an NG tube. A feeding tube through his nose as we await surgery for a GI tube to be placed.
I am not ready. How could I be? A broken ankle, a broken heart…a feeding tube.
Not what I had ever imagined.
And slowly, the sun’s rays seem to break through.
They peek out with warmth, from the storm.
A mighty storm that only I have created.
You see.
This is what life is all about.
It’s that very seemingly unsurmountable peek at the top of my mountain.
Just Hashem and I.
Climbing together, He by my side, despite my lack of grace, trust and ability to surrender. And I am grateful.
But it is time.
Time to let my heart bask in the bright beautiful rays and the warmth on my face.
Time to close my eyes to my storm and let it subside and disappear.
Time to adjust my lens, focus on all I am grateful for, and shine.
Tonight I will smile as Chaim Boruch comes home.
I will look past the tubes.
I will look past my storm.
Straight into the heart of a special soul.
Welcome home Chaim Boruch.
The sun is out.
I am ready to shine.
5 Responses
May Hashem grant Chaim Baruch ben Chana refuah shelymah and you too; may He give you Chizuk and shower you with the comfort of His love. Please know you and your beloved son are in the prayers of so many of us!michal tamar
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 2015 23:52:33 +0000 To: michelletamar@hotmail.com
Thank you!
Chana,
The stress you’re going through is tough, extremely tough – those sleepless nights, those headaches, making sure the house is still running…I know, bec my daughter was 7 weeks old when that tube was in her nose, then in the stomach and didn’t work – it went directly to her heart, rehab, hospitals… It was the toughest time for us parents to handle while she has been going through all of it – till she was a year old. Torture to see a child suffering…😢.
May Hashem give your precious son Chaim Baruch – a LIFE and it should be full of BLESSINGS! A big refuah sheleimah to you and to him.
Here’s the big hugs ⤠and kisses – hold them with you and use them when you need them again!
Baila Stern
What a difficult time you’re going through. I cannot even imagine the difficulty. I can share this. The most difficult physical challenge I’ve ever had was when I came down with pneumonia at the age of 38. I was in the hospital for about 3 weeks (leaving Michelle to care for our four kids by herself). I was as weak as a kitten. I couldn’t walk across the room. It took me weeks after getting out of the hospital before I felt anywhere close to normal. At the time, I couldn’t see any positives. However, it turned out to be one of the greatest blessings and gifts I’ve ever received. Not because I got a month-long vacation from our kids, but because it gave me a new appreciation and gratitude for the most basic yet most important thing in my life: my health. Now that I know what it feels like to have that stripped away from me, when everything else may be going wrong, I can always change my state of mind simply by reminding myself how lucky I am as long as I have my health. You’ll get back to “normal” soon enough. Embrace this “gift” and carry it with you the rest of your life. xo
Chana , g tubes can come out. It is just for now, possibly. My daughter has one . It will be ok, the doctors are doing what they know is the best .
Many blessings to you and your family. Hold on to the sunshine . Refua Sheleima bekarov.
We all care and daven for you and Chaim Boruch.