Well. It’s been quite a week. And where I have seen better days, I am truly humbled by the ‘blessings of a broken ankle’ which continue to surround me.
I’m not sure if it was my visit to the surgeon who put me on antibiotics for fear of infection (in one small area that hadn’t quite healed) or maybe it was the additional fear of surgery for a second time, to heal the potential infection. (I won’t describe what that was going to entail!)
It could have been the fact that my special needs son got pneumonia for the third time in 2 months and has now been sent to a pulmonary specialist along with multiple appointments in departments I can barely spell, never mind pronounce! Shall we just say, my worry and concern for him exceeds even my ‘normal’ range of concern as a typical mother.
To put it lightly, my life felt like a triage unit this week.
Either way, I cant say I was the queen of calm, nor the mother that was handling her life with grace.
Yet, what I found deep within me, at the very rock bottom of overwhelming feelings, was ultimately new found creativity within my relationship with Hashem.
It took time, and I believe it is still a journey, however the storm within me has subsided, and now I would say, it’s more like light rain with a chance of thunder.
Don’t get me wrong, my wavering strength was diminishing by the minute and there were no pretty colors and hues painted on my canvas of life.
Yet, there was a tiny spark, albeit a spark covered in fear, despair, resentment and questions….
But over time, soul searching, digging deep and really surrendering and letting go, on yet another level of recognizing ‘blessings of a broken ankle’, I seemingly pulled myself together….well….enough to actually return to the surgeon today to hear good news that all is ok and healing well, thank G-d.
Living life creatively.
Phew! I think I’d rather paint a painting or embellish an entire scrapbook. In fact, I know I would.
But this was not my choice. My choice was only in how I would connect with Hashem who blessed me kindly with an uplifting day, where even the experience of having 25 stitches removed seemed quite lovely compared to what infection may have entailed.
Funny how experiences change with the blessing of relativity.
A few days ago, on a rather stormy day, Hashem sent me a sign in an email, which I promptly printed, cut out and stuck next to my bed (with the help of many little hands).
This gave me what I needed to ‘survive’, find the tools within, to cope, connect and keep calm.
And this, I would like to share with you.
What is the definition of bitachon? (Trust) Rabbeinu Bechaye writes in Chovas HaLevavos that bitachon is complete peace of mind, a state in which a person is fully calm, knowing that he can rely on HaShem and trust in Him. When a person contemplates how HaShem loves him, cares for him, is able to fill his needs, and knows what is best for him; when he considers how HaShem alone monitors his life, and always does good even to those who are undeserving; – he will then feel full bitachon in Him.
Such trust can be found only in HaShem, for any other option, such as mortal benefactors or financial security, can fail or discontinue.
(חובת הלבבות שער הבטחון פרק א)
So, dear friends, I am still lying here, uncomfortable, feeling useless and drained, yet, another layer of creativity has been uncovered.
Another layer of who I am and who I aspire to be has been released into the depths of my very being.
And while, there may be clouds with chances of more thundering storms, I am calm, at peace and so appreciative of all that Hashem has given me.
Blessings of a broken ankle.