In Loving Memory of My Father

Dear Ta,

It’s been 5 years, and I’m not quite sure how time is adequately measured compared to the ever deepening ache in my heart to see you again.

Distance of days and nights passing by, only leave me with an ever present love for all that I am left with in my mind and heart.

Memories.

Ever more grateful and in awe at how tangible a memory can be. The potent images, smells, textures and sounds all present and alive within the confines of my soul.

Moments that captured a capsule of life, to be tucked away. A gem, a jewel in a treasure box of my heart, to be taken out on those special occasions…and on those ordinary days and on those days like today when all I do is crumble inside.

Thank G-d, my family is my comfort. My children’s faces, with brightly lit eyes and loving smiles soothe the ache inside my heart. They piece me back together…all those shattered parts made of dreams of times that I thought we’d share together.

And today, when my deepest prayer is that Moshiach arrives right now and we can see our loved ones again, I am feeling ever more close, ever more connected.

Ta. Beyond all that you taught me and gave me as your daughter, you left me with the life that I now live.

You left me with Yiddishkeit, Chassidishkeit and the merit of being a shlucha of the Rebbe.

You left me with an enormous empty canvas to fill, with brushes and colors and texture.

And creativity.

Yes. Creativity.

Creativity however, that reaches beyond the ideas on this blog, beyond the words that I write.

Creativity within my own life, within my own heartbeat that makes me who I am.

It’s the creativity infused within raising my children. In getting the younger ones to pick up their toys happily, in getting the older ones to recognize their choices in life.

It’s the creativity that permeates my shabbos table, in every dish, in our conversations, in our sharing of experiences of the past week.

It’s the creativity that allows me to juggle the appointments, lists and community events all the while, enjoying and living in the moment.

So Ta, you left me more than you knew.

Yet, you know it all now. And I know you are smiling.

Today, among the many memories floating through my mind, is the last trip I made to Toronto before you got sick.

It was your parting words to me at the airport when you drove us to return home.

“Chana, take care of yourself”.

I saw the sparkle in your eyes and felt the love of a father to a daughter. You could see I was tired, had my hands full and yet that was all I needed to hear.

What a lesson in life, as a parent.

Taking care of oneself. Oh yes. Something I have only recently come to understand better.

Yet an important skill to impart within our children, within each other.

Self care, self soothing, and taking the time to recognize one’s inner being.

Recognizing the link in our chain of creation and using creativity to express that link, while striving higher to reach the stars.

Our spiritual self, the one that lives on forever.

Our soul.

To feed and nourish it with the teachings of the Torah, the blueprint for life.

And for that Ta, I owe you the deepest thanks.

A gratitude and closeness that even these mere words can’t possibly describe.

I miss you Ta.

And I can’t wait to see you again, in this world.

With much love,

forever and ever,

your daughter,

Chana.

(This blog was created two years ago today in loving memory of my father Shmuel Tzvi ben Yosef, a”h,  Please consider doing a Mitzvah in his memory. May we only share in simchas.)